Ravens Jerseys: What not to wear

A helpful primer on what not to wear to ravens games and which fans to call out for not being “true fans.”

1. Pink jersey:  girls, you look awesome in purple and black, so why would you ever wear a pink and white ravens jersey? Not only is pink not in the team colors, but a pink and white jersey isn’t exactly flattering. Have you been keeping up with those crunches? Doesn’t look like it. Purple and black, on the other hand, are slimming colors, so you can have a pre-game brat and 8 boh’s  and still get hit on by 50 year old guys with yellow chains around their necks.  In addition, I can only assume that your boyfriend got the pink jersey for you to show that football can be girly (which it can’t) and so that you guys could “bond while watching football together” (which you won’t). The pink jersey is almost anti-football and makes you, your boyfriend, and our team look soft. Please leave the non-team color apparel for bandwagon red sox fans.

2. Elvis Grbac jersey: no explanation needed

3. Kyle Boller jersey: see above

4. Black and white jersey: Seriously? you couldn’t pay the extra money for colors? Why bother wearing a jersey if it is just going to be a huge notice to everyone in your section that you are a member of the proletariat and/or a cheapskate. Even if you are a sans-culottes, you should still be willing to spend a disproportionate amount of your income on supporting your team with a colored jersey.  A random purple t-shirt shows more team spirit than a black and white jersey.

5. Jamal Lewis jersey: Though it pains me to do this, wearing a jamal lewis jersey at this point is simply not cool. Not only did he became a huge baby and whiner at the end of his Ravens tenure, but he also went to a rival team where, luckily, he has continued his downward spiral into suckiness. The only time a Jamal Lewis jersey is appropriate is when visiting Cleveland for a ravens v. browns game. By doing this, you can show your support for the ravens, while at the same time reminding browns fans that we dumped jamal just in time for them to get the crappy years. When you walk in the stadium, start rapidly tapping your feet back and forth without making any forward progress and the Browns fans will understand.

6. Custom name jerseys: you’re not on the team. deal with it. Only acceptable if, instead of your name, you get something like “BountyonSteelers,” “Roethlis-Whitetrash,” “Woops Sorry,” or “Cassie.”

**Bonus Section**

Sweet retro jerseys that will get you street cred:

Testaverde, Michael Jackson, Derrick Alexander, Stoney Case (for irony), Ismail, McCrary, Sharper, Boulware.


2 responses to “Ravens Jerseys: What not to wear

  1. So I assume this means my CASSIE #98 jersey isn’t cool?

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